


Boys Aren't Meant To Cry

by dipstick



Series: What Makes A Man? [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Under the Red Hood
Genre: Anxiety, Bruce Wayne is a Good Dad, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Latino Character, Latinx Character, Lots of anxiety, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Swearing, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, child character death, forced drowning, purposeful misgendering, transboy! Jason
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:30:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7814293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dipstick/pseuds/dipstick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bat towered over him. "What's your name?"</p><p>He didn't want to answer the shadow. He knew his voice would come out too high, too soft. He could already see the detective's eyes cataloging him. His small frame, his slight features.</p><p>'Well, fuck him,' Jay thought.</p><p>"The name's Jason," he said with a cocky grin, "Jason Todd."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What They Would Do For Each Other

There was so much guilt the first time. Because Jay knew her madre wouldn't notice. Passed out on the crummy mattress on their living room floor. 

The closet was still full of all of Willis' things. He had not bothered to pack the last time he had left. Jay had always wanted to try the big jacket. The one Willis had stopped wearing because of the tear in the right sleeve. The one that had stopped smelling of cigarettes and booze and just smelled like leather. 

Putting it on she looked at her reflection in the cracked floor to ceiling mirror. Her too small shoulders were suddenly broad and strong. When she tucked her hair in behind her ears just right, it was like it was short. It was like she was a boy. It was like she was no longer Janine, she was someone else entirely. And she cried.

You look so silly she thought. Like a kid playing dress up. You're acting so silly. Just forget about it. But she couldn't and she didn't.

* * *

 The next fifteen times still came with guilt. Until the sixteenth time when Catherine was out and came home to find her still in the coat. 

"Jay? Princesa? Is that Willis' coat?" She asked, she was spacey again. Voice sounding distant even with her curiosity cutting through.

"I thought I'd try it on, seemed warm," Jay replied, her body gone cold in fear.

"It looks good," she said her smile was warm and her eyes distant. She came over and ruffled Janine's hair. "It's like your mi hombrecito."

 Jay looked away quickly. So her madre wouldn't see the way her eyes teared up and a grin split her face apart.

 After that Jay began to wear the coat all the time. Catherine began to jokingly call her "mi hombrecito". And every time she did Jay felt like himself.

* * *

 "Why do I have to wear it, mamá?"

 "You are going to look good for church, corazón, what will the sisters think. They work hard so that families like us can eat and pray, you know this."

 "Si, mamá."

 "Now get ready."

Catherine was always so headstrong when she was free. Free of the dark cloud of methamphetamine. The needle was always there. Lurking in the darkness, in the twitch of her hands and the circles under her eyes. But on days like this she was the way she was years ago. Before the hazy days of half smiles and heavy sleep.

Jay remembered when wearing Willis' coat used to feel like he was playing dress up. He didn't know at what point he realized what he was, that he wasn't a girl. But it was a sudden feeling that day when he put on his church dress and looked in the mirror. The sudden feeling of ridiculousness because he was looking at a boy wearing a dress.

He knew some boys wore dresses. David who worked at the club on Porter street wore them. People called him a 'drag queen'. Janine wasn't sure what that meant but he knew that David always looked beautiful in dresses. Unlike him, who looked gangly and awkward. He wanted to beg his madre to not make him wear it. There was a buzzing under his skin and an awful feeling of dread. But he knew he wouldn't get his way, not today. 

"Are you ready, Jay?" His madre asked, coming up behind him. "Oh, look at you, beautiful girl."

Jay felt like he wanted to vomit. Is that what he was? Is that how the world saw him? He grabbed Willis' coat with shaking hands burying himself into it. Trying to hide his figure within it. 

"Janine, do you have to wear that to church?" Catherine asked exasperated, as they walked out of the apartment.

"I'm cold, mamá," he mumbled.

Catherine let out a world weary sigh. "Muy bien. Darte prisa ahora, we're going to be late to the sermon if we don't get moving."

* * *

 The sermon had been one long hell. Even with everyone's eyes on the pastor, Jay could of sworn people were staring. People were thinking about him. And they were seeing a girl. They were seeing his long hair and his dress and not the real him. He gripped Catherine's hand and she gripped back. Giving him a worried look. 

She rubbed her thumb against the back of his hand, touch soft and soothing, he leaned his head against her shoulder and felt the fear push to the back. She was there to keep him steady, like he did for her.

Like they would always do for each other.

* * *

 Jay didn't want to steal the scissors, but making due with a knife seemed like more trouble in the long run. He doubted sister Claire would notice them missing from the church art supplies with how many pairs they had. He hoped she wouldn't notice.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Looking at his long black hair. His madre loved his hair. Loved to slowly braid it on spacey days. Loved to brush her hand through his curls when she couldn't even focus enough for that.

He held a lock in his shaking hand and brought the scissor blade to his hair. 

She would be disappointed in him. 

She would be disappointed in him.

**She would be disappointed in him.**

 

"Fuck it," he whispered.

A snip and he had crossed the line as a cascade of dark hair fell into the rusted sink. He kept going. No turning back, 'don't think about it, don't think about her think about yourself.'

It was uneven, it was choppy, it was like slowly painting onto a canvas. And his face, his real face was shining through.

And then he was done. His shaking hands pressed the scissors down onto the sink and he stared at the boy in the mirror.

His hair fell to just above his chin. Curling around his face and framing his soft features. But he was young, and it made sense, for a boy his age to be soft. And he looked.... He looked like a boy. He looked the way he always dreamed of. He always wanted. He always needed.

The tears came again. He didn't care if boys weren't meant to cry. He could be strong tomorrow. He could be strong when his madre returned from the night shift and saw what he had done. But he let himself feel weak because he had found something to be strong for. He had found himself. 

* * *

His mother had been too out of it to notice the haircut when she returned. Curling up in the mattress after giving a halfhearted, "Buenas noches, Jay."

He softly removed her shoes and tucked the blanket up around her shoulders, smoothing her curly hair off her forehead. "Buenas noches, mamá," he whispered.

Janine lay next to his madre and imagined names for himself. Something that would shorten to Jay. Jared? Jason? Jackson? 

He wasn't sure, but he played them in his head over and over as he curled up and gently fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Madre - Mother  
> Princesa - Princess  
> Mi hombrecito - My little man  
> Mamá - Mom  
> Corazón - Heart  
> Muy bien. Darte prisa ahora - Very good. Hurry now


	2. He Found Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for character death

 Jay knew he had to tell her. The nervous suffocating feeling every time his mom called him 'she' or 'girl' was getting worse and worse.

Some days Jay wished he had never faced this. He wished that he had repressed it like he always used to. Because now that he knew what was wrong he couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't wear a dress and long hair, he couldn't be "she" and he couldn't be Janine. 

Catherine had been so angry about the haircut, though. He didn't know how she'd react to know it was just the beginning. Or at least he hoped it could be.

"Mamá?" He asked quietly.

"Si? Bebé," she replied from where she was stirring a pot of Pepita con tasajo.

It was one of his madre's good days, awake and aware enough to enjoy the things she used to love doing. She always loved to cook, and share the food around, loved playing cards with the other girls in the building, loved to talk and sing and laugh. Jay thought she might even practice her guitar later, something she only did when she was really free from the needle.

"Um," Jay started and stopped, curling over himself where he sat at the kitchen table. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can, Janine."

"You know my friend Tabitha... from church."

"Of course, Jay, Helena's girl. The one with the lovely blue eyes."

"Um, how would you feel... I-if I told you that, Tabitha told me. She wasn't a girl. That she looked like one so everyone said she was. But... she was actually a boy."

"Did Tabitha tell you she felt this way, or is this really about you, Jay?" His madre asked, turning to look him straight in the eye.

".... Me." He replied softly.

His madre looked away, letting out a soft "Dios ayúdame".

Jay felt like crying. He promised himself he wouldn't again, but he could feel the water threatening to spill.

"Janine- Jay, I'm so sorry." Catherine said looking back at him.

"What?" Jay asked, confused.

"This must be so hard," Catherine said coming to sit across from him at the table. She clasped his hands between hers. "I'm so sorry I didn't know."

"Y-you're not mad?" Jay asked.

"Of course not," she said rubbing his hand with her thumb, the way she always did. "Did I ever tell you about my brother, Benny?"

"My tío? He lives in México with abuela."

"Yes, but we didn't always know that Benny was himself. When he was born we all thought he was Delilah."

"Like me."

"Yes, Jay, like you."

"Mamá," Jay said tears spilling over. "Can I be a boy, too?"

"Oh, Jay," she said hugging him tight to her chest," you already are, you're mi hombrecito."

And Jay cried again, even though he knew boys weren't meant to.

* * *

His madre said she would go to his school soon to notify his teachers.

Jay waited to hear how it went, but all he kept hearing was 'I will go soon Jay'. He couldn't say anything. His madre already worked two jobs and suffered so much just to keep him fed. He wasn't going to trick himself into think the drugs weren't his fault too. He knew she would be happier without him, but he was selfish enough to want to be there for her anyway.

When they went to church his madre continued to call him Janine, until Jay corrected her. Everyone looked at him so weird when he did that. He had known these people his whole life. They were like a second family. Now they seemed to sit farther away. On purpose, a sea of empty seats surrounding him and his madre.

It was okay, he was fine with it because at home when it was just them he got to be 'he'. And he didn't have to feel eyes on him and he didn't have to feel like a walking sickness. 

He just wished sometimes he was less selfish and more normal.

He wished his madre didn't have to be infected by him.

* * *

His madre had ugly trips. 

The ones where she was mean, angry, and sad. The ones were she was no longer his mamá and something else, or at least he hoped she wasn't herself. That the things she said weren't how she really felt, but it seemed like it was.

"Why couldn't you just be normal. The way they all look at me. It's embarrassing Janine. Utterly embarrassing. Someday this phase will pass and you'll feel like a fool. You'll have played ME for a fool."

He couldn't take it... It already hurt so much and then she said every fear, every doubt he'd ever had. Right to him. 

She was right.

**Fuck, she was right.**

He ran out the door. He ran down the street.

He ran. He ran. He ran.

He remembers stopping in an alley three blocks from home. Curled over himself trying to catch his breath. 

He remembers yelling and kicking a the trash can over and over tears streaming down his face.

He remembers disjointed fear, anger, and sadness.

He remembers screaming, "It was your choice to have me, you could of killed me off long ago, who the fuck asked you bitch!?"

He remembers feeling guilt eat at him afterwords as someone in a building nearby yelled at him to 'shut the fuck up.'

And he remembers curling up to fall asleep, freezing and scared, in the dark of that alley.

* * *

He had to go back the next day. He was shaking as he approached the apartment door. He considered turning around. Running again. Running forever. From this. From her.

The door swung open suddenly and he was engulfed in Catherine's arms.

"Jay- Jay, I-I'm so s-sorry," she wept into his shoulder. "I didn't mean those things it was the drugs. I know how hard this is for you... a Dios soy un monstruo."

"It's- it's okay, mamá," Jay said.

"No." She stepped back to look him in the eyes, her hands on his shoulders. "No it was not okay, and this stuff I do it's not okay, I promise you Jay I'm never going to use again."

"You promise?" Jay whispered, so hopeful he could barely breath.

"Te lo prometo." 

* * *

Things were so good after that. The best they had been for a long time. 

His madre quit cold turkey. Those days were pretty dark, but she got better and better as the days turned to weeks then to months. She said it was for him, but Jay knew that this was also for her. And he was overwhelmingly proud.

Catherine bought him a whole new wardrobe. He felt guilty over that, when he saw the amount of cash being handed over the counter. But every pair of jeans and every large t-shirt helped more than he could even understand.

His madre made him show off all the clothes after. In a fashion show of sorts. She clapped at every new outfit, called him her hombrecito, wiping away tears one of the largest smiles he had ever seen on her face.

Catherine spoke to his school and spoke up for him at church. People started to call him Jay, even though they stared and still kept their distance, he began to feel less like the plague.

The months after the bad trip were good. 

Until Jonathan came into their lives. 

* * *

Jonathan was one of the low level lackeys of some gang over on the other side of the narrows. 

When they met he told Jay the story of when he got beat up by batman one time when he had a job working for, of all things, the king clown himself. Said the bat was welcome by then. That the man dressed as a clown was much scarier than the man dressed as a bat.

He was a weird guy, always about looking tough. Posturing. Made sense in his line of work, but he kept looking at Jay funny. As if he was looking for the reason, the thing that made him lesser. Less masculine, less tough, less of a man.

He told him he should buck up, that being a scrawny kid like him wasn't good for a boy. Jay was just glad he had convinced him he was a boy. He didn't really need to be a perfect one.

Feeling strong would be nice, though.

So Jonathan wasn't the best guy. However, he seemed to make his madre very happy.

She lit up when he came around. They would go out on dates and she'd coming back giddy and smiling. Jay just hoped she wouldn't have her heart broken. 

* * *

About a month after Jonathan and Catherine started seeing each other Jay returned from school to find his madre the way he used to always find her. Curled up on the mattress fully clothed. Her eyes were glazed and far away. An empty smile on her face as she hummed something unrecognizable. 

"No," Jay whispered running to her crumpled form.

He grasped Catherine's arm pulling up her sleeve.

"Janine!" His madre exclaimed trying to yank her arm out of his grasp.

Jay didn't even have time to flinch from her calling him his old name. His eyes were locked onto the red track marks up his madre's arm. 

"How could you?" He whispered. "You promised you wouldn't." He shook his head back and forth retreating from her crumpled form.

"No no no, Jay." Catherine slurred out. "This is nothing, it's just a little hit. Just the once, Johnathan-"

"THAT FUCKER GAVE YOU THIS SHIT!" Jay yelled. Instantly furious.

"Jay, no.....", She cut off staring dreamily at the wall, "no swearing."

Jay couldn't stay there, he couldn't look at her like this. Not after everything had been so good.

Anger churned in his gut and he knew he had to protect her. He had to get rid of Jonathan. 

* * *

Jay found him in an alleyway close to Two Face's territory. He was smoking a cigarette alone behind a busted up bakery. Jay didn't waste any time getting up in his face.

"YOU FUCKING GAVE HER HEROIN!?" He practically screamed, all the anger having built up as he had searched for the bastard.

"What? What's your problem kid, she asked for it," Jonathan said taking a step back.

"You made her sick again." Jay seethed, "She was getting better before you showed up."

"No, no you know what, It's not my fault your mother is weak, kid." Jonathan said coming closer to loom threateningly over Jay's head. "These are the streets. It doesn't matter how you try to run or fight it. You're always going to be who you were born as."

"NO," Jay practically wailed trying to punch out at him. "You don't know anything!"

Jonathan caught Jay's arm in a tight grip. "I know this city is going to eat us all alive. And I know we're all going to fucking die because of this place, and no one, not one person is going to give two shits." He said, pain and anger warring on his face.

Jay brought his leg up fast. Kicking John right in his soft spot. He fell to the floor grasping at his crotch with a pained holler.

"Maybe it will, but I'm still going to fight for myself and my own." Jay said flashing his pocket knife in Johns face before turning away. "So you stay away from her, or I'll fucking kill you. Don't think I won't."

With that he ran, all the way home. Scared out of his head. Because you don't threaten older men, Willis had taught him that the hard way.  

* * *

Jonathan didn't come around after that. Jay didn't think it was due to his threat though. He knew he was just a kid. A big guy like John could of pushed him around if he had wanted to. He must not have wanted to bother.

Jay had hoped his madre didn't have any of Jonathan's shit left, but he should of checked. God, he should have checked. 

* * *

Jay found her on the kitchen floor.

Sick dribbled out the side of her mouth onto the greying tiles. Her chest was still.

Jay ran and turned her on her side hoping she would cough up the vomit, hoping she would breath again.

She didn't.

He ran to the phone quickly dialing 911.

They got there too late.

His hands were pressed to his mothers chest desperately trying to make it beat again. 

They had to drag him off.

Carry him away.

She was dead.

She was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Madre - Mother  
> Dios ayúdame - God help me  
> a Dios soy un monstruo - oh god I'm a monster  
> Mi hombrecito - My little man  
> Mamá - Mom  
> Te lo prometo - I promise you
> 
> Like last chapter if there's any mistakes or suggestions for the Spanish lmk :)
> 
> This chapter took a lot longer to write than i thought it would, but I already have a bit of the next one started so hopefully it won't take me as long as this one did lmao rip
> 
> Also Bruce will be showing up soon !


	3. Bright Eyes and Poisoned Tongues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chp at the end cuz this one gets p heavy ^^;

They let him take a backpack of his belongings when the social worker took him. He made sure to pack his torn Spanish copy of Sense and Sensibility. It was his madre's favorite book.

No- it had been his madre's favorite book.

They used to read it together when she was sad. It reminded her of when she was a little girl.

He only had one picture of them together. He tucked it into the inside pocket of Willis' coat. Right over his heart.

Where he would carry her.

* * *

The home they brought him too was full of girls. He should of known it was going to go wrong from there.

It was a large creaky house. With peeling wallpaper and outdated furniture. It had a stately feel to it even in its disrepair. It made Jay nervous.

The woman who worked the home was large. Hands covered in heavy silver rings, she dressed in pure black. Her hair was in a loose bun on her head and her eyes watched over everything.

Sizing him up in seconds. She ignored him to talk to the woman who had brought him there. He tuned them out as well, staring at the girls around the room.

There were four of them, all varying sizes. Most appeared older than him. The tallest of them, who looked to be a high school student, was wearing a soft white skirt and a warm sweater. She was reading a book in the settee over by the large windowsill, her name was Akeela. Sitting in one of the many frayed and weathered love-seats a girl only about a foot taller than him sat and played what looked like hot cross buns with another girl around the same age, they were Marcy and Ming-na. Jay didn't like the look of them. They all had something wrong, in there eyes, they were dead, empty.

Lastly there was a little girl possibly the age of six or seven. She had some of the curliest brown hair Jay had possibly ever seen, it was almost obscuring her entire face. Soft curls fell half-hazardously over her soft pink dress. She stood in the corner looking at the floor. She seemed scared. Her name was Shaylee. 

Jay didn't want to be here.

The social worker had left while Jay was distracted and the woman who was to be his new guardian looked down at him disapprovingly.

"Come now Janine I will show you to your room." She said, voice surprisingly sweet, like churned butter.

"That's not my name," he said. "My name's Jay."

The woman tutted at him. "We don't do nicknames here, Janine." He could see it in her eyes, though, she knew it was more than that.

"It's not a nickname, it's my name," he said eyes narrowing into a glare.

She leaned down into his space, her voice sounding less like soft butter and becoming thick and suffocating. "That's not what the paperwork says."

She was dangerous, Jay could tell. She wouldn't break him, though, he would be sure of that.

* * *

The woman's name was Mama Ulya. The room she showed him too was the room all the girls shared. There were three beds along the wall and one window on the end. The farthest bed from the window was were Akeela, slept. The two girls he had seen playing, Marcy and Ming-Na, shared the middle bed. The one next to the window was his to share with Shaylee.

After showing him there Mama told him he was to unpack quickly and then come to dinner. She told him he 'better be dressed more appropriately.'

He wondered if she thought he had any feminine clothes in his small backpack. What a joke.

He didn't bother to unpack, he didn't trust this place. So he slid his backpack in between his bed's headboard and the wall where he could get to it easily but hidden from Ulya's grasp.

* * *

As soon as he came to dinner he knew Mama was angry. He had changed into his nicest set of clothes, but he knew that wasn't what she really wanted from him.

The food was a heavy meatloaf, the kind that sits in your chest and makes you feel bloated. All the girls were silent unless spoken too.

"How was school this week, Marcy?" Mama would ask. And Marcy would answer something pedantic and shy never breaking eye contact from the grain of the rotting table.

This place was poison Jay thought. He hadn't even been there a day and he could see it. In the walls and the furniture. Spewing from all of their mouths and pooling down into the floorboards.

He was scared.

He wanted to go home.

* * *

Shaylee was shy when they went to bed after dinner, the other girls talked quietly among themselves. She stayed away and kept silent.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked.

She looked up at him, sparkling brown eyes surprising him underneath the mess of curls. Those eyes were alive. They hadn't given up.

"I'm okay," she said. Her smile, secret and precious.

Jay was fucking screwed. He knew he couldn't let this little girl succumb to this place. He would save her, he swore it.

* * *

That night he lay next to Shaylee and with the little moonlight shining through the window he looked at his madre's face.

Memorizing the curve of her smile and the rich brown of her eyes.

He fell asleep without crying, so he counted the night as a win.

* * *

 The next day Mama Ulya brought him 'the dress.'

It was white as snow with red lace ribbons. She left it on his bed so he saw it when he returned from breakfast. Above it was a note. 

'Something to dress more appropriately :)'

Jay saw red. He tore up the note and threw the dress out the window. That bitch wasn't going to get him to be someone he wasn't.

When Jay turned around Shaylee was standing in the doorway bright eyes wide with fear.

"Janine!" She whispered furiously, "you will get the water for this!!"

"That's not my name," Jay said, still seething.

"I'm sorry," Shaylee said looking down, shaking. "She will be very angry, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Jay said, the anger draining from him as he looked at her small scared frame. "My name's Jay."

Shaylee looked back up at him. That secret smile on her face again. "Than you can call me Shay."

* * *

Shay had been right. That was the first night he got the water.

Ulya came pounding into the bedroom in the middle of the night, waking all the children from their slumber. She gripped Jay by his ear and dragged him from his bed calling all the girls to follow.

She brought them to a room off the kitchen that Jay had never seen before. It's walls and floor were made of white greasy tiles. The only thing in the room was an old dirty wash basin, and hanging from a hook on the wall was 'the dress' covered in dirt from where it had fallen from the window.

"You disrespect me?" Mama said. "I spend all my time, and all my money taking care of you girls? And what do you do Janine, you spit in my face like this?"

Jay shook in her arms, Ulya was strong, much stronger than she looked as she bodily dragged him in front of the basin.

"I'm not a girl," Jay said.

"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH," she screeched. "You are what the lord made you as and you won't speak this way in front of them." She gestured to the girls lined against the far wall, all watching with dead eyes.

"Now it's time for the punishment you owe me for what you did to the lovely dress I brought for you." Mama said voice turning into that sick suffocating thick sound. Like molasses pouring out her throat. Like poison.

She took Jay's head in her strong grasp and pushed him into the water. Holding him down. He thrashed and tried to pull himself out, terrified.

She held him down, down, down. Until his lungs were bursting with a need for air and his head was pounding. Than she brought him back up, so he could gasp in big gulps of air. Before she threw him back under.

Again and again.

Until he wished she left him under.

* * *

The next day he wore the dress. Dirt covered and all. Mama smiled when she saw it on him, gave him a soft pat to the head.

"That's a good girl," she said.

Jay wanted to vomit, every part of him buzzed with discomfort.

He had to play the part, at least for a little while, he knew he couldn't run just yet, he saw the way she watched them all like a hawk during the day and with her nightly visits he wasn't sure fleeing by darkness was any safer. He had to wait until he went back to school first it would be the easiest way to run.

* * *

He learned once the weekend ended that they weren't allowed to attend school. Mama had them home schooled, a van came in from the town. A lanky man that seemed enraptured with Ulya taught them lessons in a nasally voice.

Jay didn't have much trouble keeping up with the teacher, Mr. Harkenson, he had always been good at school. Akeela on the other hand seemed to be struggling greatly. Looking close to tears looking down at her practice sheet.

That night Ulya came to their room again, although this time it wasn't for him.

Akeela had gotten a bad grade on the assignment she had been struggling with.

Jay watched as Mama swore at her pushing her in and out of the water. He wanted to fight, to push her away from the girl. But he was scared. He didn't want to be forced under again.

So he watched with the others and he could feel the clouds trying to cover his eyes. Turn him into an empty ghost like the rest of them.

This house was poison.

* * *

Mama reprimanded him more and more, and he followed her orders. He didn't want to wake up in the dead of night to be punished again. He told himself he was biding his time, he would escape. He would.

Jay was trying to figure out how they could escape. He realized it would have to be during the day. He figured out after the first night that she watched the rooms, when he was told off for getting up to use the bathroom by Mama waking up from her bedroom down the hall. He realized she must have some way to know when their bedroom door opened there seemed to be a small blinking red light in its uppermost corner. The bedroom door was left open during the day.

Even though she watched the rooms the window was just large enough that he could fit through. The problem was the climb down. The side of the house was steep and had little to no places to hold onto to get to the ground safely.

He couldn't risk breaking a bone on the way down. He needed to be able to run.

Or she would just drag him right back and give him the water.

* * *

Mama told him to close his legs, to sit taller. She tried to get him to lose his accent. He didn't know how you were supposed to force someone to do that but he quickly started to mirror the way the other girls spoke.

She seemed pleased.

He was able to stay in her good graces for about a month.

He couldn't take it anymore the pressure of every rising order building up. The buzzing under his skin with every new skirt and dress left for him on his bed getting worse and worse.

He snapped during dinner. He didn't know how the topic of conversation came onto him, he wished it hadn't.

"Janine, I hear you're doing quite well in your studies." Mama said. "That's good to hear about such a confused child as yourself."

"Confused?" Jay asked. Looking her in the eye. She would never make him cower.

"Yes, Janine, with all that boy nonsense." She shook her head looking back down at her meal."We shouldn't speak of it."

"Boy nonsense," Jay seethed, anger filling him up. He always did have a problem keeping his anger in check.

"Yes? Janine." Mama said. Her dark eyes glaring into him. "You were playing make believe, I told you how inappropriate that was, didn't I?"

Jay stood up flinging his plate to the ground. "It doesn't matter how you dress me up, or how you make me sit, or stand, or fucking breath. I will always be a boy. And you can't beat that out of me."

He's pretty sure she tried to kill him that night.

She held his head down for so long he blacked out. Came too gasping on the floor, pain pumping in his head and his chest. He didn't know if the wet on his face was just from the half drowning or if he had succumbed to tears again.

He wanted his madre.

He wanted to go home.

* * *

He knew it was his last chance to flee after the sixth week. Him and Shay, there was no way they would survive there much longer. And no way he was leaving her behind.

He had figured out as solution and planned it for a Friday. He told Shay three days before, told her he was going to get her out and that she had to pack her things so no one noticed.

Her eyes lit up when he told her, like two small burning fires.

* * *

They left in the middle of class, it was easy to convince Mr. Harkenson that they had to go to the washroom together. Shaylee said she needed help. That the bathroom light had burnt out and she was scared to go alone. They made sure to ask him quietly, they didn't want the others to refute their misinformation.

They went to their bedroom immeaditaley and grabbed their bags from behind the headboard. Opening the window they shimmied out landing on the top of Harkenson's van. Jay wanted to thank him for always parking right in front of the building.

They quickly made it to the ground and ran as fast as they could. Jay had a small wad of cash he had hid in an inside pocket of his bag. He knew there was a bus stop close by that Mama used to go into town during their lessons. They found it not ten minutes later. He assumed Ulya took the short bus into midtown. So they would take another bus, the one that went right into the heart of Gotham city.

They were lucky that it was the next bus, that Ulya didn't come back early. That Hankerson didn't realize their escape yet.

They were so very lucky.

* * *

They traded on and off buses. Making sure not to remain on one too long. Knowing people would begin looking for them soon.

Once they were close to Jay's neighborhood they left the buses behind. Jay knew a place close to his old apartment that had been abandoned for a while. Tabitha had told him she had seen street kids going in and out.

When they enetered a couple other kids looked at them from another room.

"We need a place to stay," Jay said.

"Just stay quiet." One of them said. Disappearing back into the room.

They set up in one of the upstair closets, they had taken the blanket from off of their old bed and they cuddled together undeneath it.

They lay in quiet comfort, their own makeshift sanctuary.

"You ever thought of a new name, Jay?" Shaylee asked, just over a whisper.

"I did once, I haven't had much time to think about it again."

"What were they?"

"Jared, Jason, Jackson."

They sat in the calm quiet for a minute.

"I like Jason."

"Me, too." He said curling his fingers around hers.

She was like his little sister and him her older brother and that night they were safe, and they were happy.

* * *

They ran out of money quickly, Jay knew of all kinds of unsavory ways he could get cash, but he didn't want to get wrapped up in anything that could put Shay in danger.

It didn't really matter much in the end.

It had only been two weeks since their escape. Jay had found a little old lady who would pay him to help with her yard. He would be finished the job soon, but untill then Shay and him had enough money to eat.

He had gotten back from her place, but couldn't find Shay in their room. He asked one of the other kids.

"She left a little while ago. Went to find you. Not sure why."

Jay ran from the house, he had to find her. It was getting late.

It was dangerous in Gotham at night.

* * *

The bullet tore through the dark.

A little girl dead in an alley.

He hadn't been the one to find her. He saw the flashing lights. A man with hair the colour of fire stood over a limp brown body.

He pushed through the cops trying to hold him back. Yelling her name, praying, _Dios_ , praying it wasn't her.

He stood beside the man and there was her small face. Her mouth open and eyes wide, as if startled. Showing the chipped tooth she had broken off of Mama Ulya's water basin. Her eyes had finally turned dead and empty. Mama had finally won.

He froze up when he saw her. He couldn't look away. It was happening all over again.

The man stepped in front of him blocking his view of her tiny crumpled body.

"It's okay, son," he murmured a knowing, pained, look in his eyes. He knelt down and hugged Jay into his chest.

"It's not," Jay said voice cracking like the gun. "It's not okay."

"I know," the man whispered as Jay's hands gripped and shook where they clutched his jacket.

"Why do all the good girls die?" Jay asked. "Why can't it ever be fair."

"I don't know." The man said picking up Jay's shaking body and carrying him out of the alley.

"I don't know."

* * *

Jay ran away when the cop's back was turned. He couldn't go back into the system. It wasn't kind to people like him.

He was thankful to the man that had comforted him. He wish he could have told him that before he fled.

* * *

He was so hungry, he swore he could feel his stomach slowly starting to eat itself.

That gnawing empty feeling had become the new norm. Two years on the street since running from Mama Ulya's. He was almost twelve now. Dreading the onset of puberty. Knowing he might not have to worry if he just finally starved to death.

He had been running with a gang for a little while. Long enough to score a few good meals. His madre's disappointed face hung over him then. She always hated the street gangs. The gun that killed Shay was probably from a street gang. So Jay left. Even though it left him hungry.

He had picked up a few skills in that time though. So when he saw the shiny black of The Bat's car, he knew he could boost it.

He wouldn't have gotten away with all four of the tires if his hands hadn't been shaking slightly from exhaustion and hunger. They were weak and fumbling, causing him to lose precious time.

By the time he had the fourth one in his grasp he was there.

Batman was silent, but Jay knew the feeling of a stare. He had grown up with them on him his whole life. Jay dropped the wheel turning around to look at the bat.

The man was silent. Gaze roaming from Jay to the three piled wheels next to him.

"Who do you work for?" He asked eyes narrowing.

Jay let out a laugh, "You think a scrawny shit like me could work for anyone? The best I'd get is parcel delivery or pedophiles. None of your big bad nemeses are going to hire a kid."

The bat looked startled. "Who are you."

"None of your business," Jay said trying to inch around the car. Next thing he knew Batman was standing in front of him, blocking his path of escape.

The Bat towered over him. "What's your name?"

He didn't want to answer the shadow. He knew his voice would come out too high, too soft. He could already see the detective's eyes cataloging him. His small frame, his slight features.

' _Well, fuck him_ ,' Jay thought.

"The name's Jason," he said with a cocky grin, "Jason Todd."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> Forced Drowning  
> Purposeful misgendering  
> Attempted conversion  
> Child character death
> 
> Lmk if I should have any more warnings up!
> 
> Sorry this one took a while I've been so busy with course work recently. Also, it seems every week recently there's been another event I wanted to draw stuff for, first Inktober and stephcass week, than ace awareness week,,, I've been doing a lot of art recently lol
> 
> I'm excited to start the next chp tho, we'll finally see some Alfred !!


	4. A Suit and A Soft Laugh

The Bat forced him to put the wheels back on the Batmobile. His piercing stare was on him the entire time. No chance of escape.

By the end Jay was shaking and exhausted the hunger finally taking over every part of him.

Batman toward over where he was leaning weakly against the side of the vehicle. Gripping his arm in one black gloved hand, he dragged him up.

"What?!" Jason shouted, exasperated. "What more do you want, asshole?!?"

Before he could get any sort of answer from the man he was pushed into darkness. Falling into black leather he realized he was on the passenger seat of the Batmobile. Jason tried to get out but the door was slammed shut on him. 

Then the Dark Night got into the drivers seat and they were off.

"Where are you taking me?" Jason asked.

He was met with silence and the rev of the engine.

" **Where are you taking me?!** " Jason asked again.

Batman continued to play the part of a silent shadow.

"Fucking prick," Jason mumbled. He was too exhausted to keep interrogating a brick wall. So he let himself relax and sink into the surprisingly soft seat.

"If you kill me at least make sure to write 'Gotham's best tire thief' on my tomb stone." He grumbled turning over and quickly falling into unconsciousness.

He thought he may have heard a chuckle, but it was probably just a dream.

 

* * *

 

He was shaken awake, surprisingly gently, to see they were parked in the middle of nowhere, green fields stretching off into the distance where they were met with a dense forest. Even in the dark Jason could tell it was the most green he had ever seen.

"I guess you really are going to bury me," Jason said quietly to Batman. "At least it's pretty."

Batman let out a tired sigh. "I'm not going to kill you, come on."

He left the car, but only to go so far as to sit on the hood. Jason contemplated staying in the passenger seat or even trying to drive the car off, but he knew they were dumb ideas. Even if tempting ones. 

He joined Batman on the hood, looking out over the dark expanse.

"Here," Batman said holding something out. It was a brown paper bag. There was some sort of design on it that Jason couldn't make out in the dark, but the smell was unmistakable. 

"Food," he whispered with reverence grabbing the bag from the Bat's hands and tearing into it. 

Batman sat and watched as he began to quickly devour every piece of burger and fries that the bag contained.

"Where are your parents, Jason?" Batman asked.

"Worlds greatest detective, why don't you figure it out." He replied through his mouthful of burger.

"Are they not in your life then?"

" _Ding ding ding_ we have a winner, your prize is an orphan." He replied scathingly. Batman looked away at that.

"Do you not have any other family, that can take care of you?"

Jay lowered his food from his mouth. "I have my abuela, and my tío. They live in Mérida- in México. But the social services couldn't get in touch with them. The lady said they probably aren't there anymore."

"If I found them, would they be safe for you?"

"I haven't actually seen them since I was a baby." Jason said, but he thought of his uncle. Having a guardian who knew what it was like. Who could help him. It's all he had ever really wanted. "I think so, yes."

"I will try to find them then. For now you can have a place to stay with me."

"Fuck off." Jason said. Batman looked startled at the outburst. "I mean thanks for not beating the shit outta me for taking your tires and the grubs pretty good, but why should I trust the guy who goes around punching people as his nightly occupation."

Batman smirked at that. "You got quite a way of talking, Jay." He went on more seriously. "What could I do to ensure your trust."

"Why do you even want it?" Jason asked. "You could just kidnap me. You basically already have."

"Because I want you to be safe. That's what I do, Jason, my nightly occupation is keeping people safe."

 

* * *

 

He woke again, not remembering drifting off or even finishing eating to find they were parked somewhere dark. The air felt damp and cool. He realized why when he looked out the front windshield. They were in a cave.

"Come on," Batman said. He was standing by the now open passenger side door. 

Jason carefully exited the vehicle rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes. He wobbled as he stood up, exhaustion still eating away at him. He let out a soft gasp looking around at the room he was in. A humongous screen sat to his left and stairs and walkways crisscrossed away from where he now stood. Some seemed to lead up and out of the cave, another to a walkway that held suits behind glass. He could see what looked like old versions of the Batman suit and what Jason knew was Robin's suit. He guessed the rumors on the street of Robin disappearing were in fact true.

"Another one sir? I thought one boy was enough." A voice with a British lilt said. A man stood at the end of the platform the Batmobile was parked on. He stood straight and poised, his hair greying to white and looking crisp in a full suit and tie. 

"He's just here until I can find somewhere better for him, Alfred." Batman replied, his voice having lost the gravel that made him sound like he chain smoked cigarettes.

"Oh of course, sir." The man replied disbelief dripping in his voice.

Jason wanted to grumble at the two of them for talking as if he wasn't standing right there, but his attention was preoccupied with making sure he was standing at all. His legs shook where he leaned against the car again, he let his eyes slip closed. 

"Should we get the young master to a bed then?" The aged man asked. "He looks ready to keel over."

"Mm' fine." Jay mumbled opening his eyes again. Despite the fact they were heavy like weights and decidedly wanted to remain closed.

"Could you get him a place to sleep, Alfred?" The Bat asked. At some point when Jason had been drifting he had removed his cowl, revealing cold blue eyes and black hair. Jay could of sworn he recognized those eyes, but his brain was fuzzy and he couldn't place it. 

The older man came up to him, "I'll show you to a spare room, young sir."

Jason flinched away from the man. He was so... proper looking. The suit was a scary sight. Suits were never someone to trust when you were an alley kid.

"It's okay, Jay, I can show you there if you want," Batman said.

Jason didn't want to give in, to admit his fear, but he was so tired and there was something about Batman that he was seemingly trusting so far. Jay nodded his head slightly.

"Alright, lad, alright." Batman said leading him out of the damp cave and off into sleep.

 

* * *

 

He woke up in a room he didn't recognize. Immediately his heart began to race as he gauged where he was. 

The room was finer than anything he had previously knew. Every piece of furniture screamed money. The blankets were downy and heavy, warmer than the thin fabrics he was used to.

Clothes were sitting on the end of the bed, the same place **she** had used to leave 'the dress' for him. Jason quickly scrambled from the bed trying to get as far from it as he could.

He had had a lot of bravado before. When he had met the Bat. In the dead of night in Gotham's streets, it was his territory. And he had nothing to lose, besides his life. Which was constantly hanging in the balance in that dark and cold place.

_Keep your head down._ He thought. Because he had played this game before. And this odd house with all its wealth and plush furnishings reminded him of another house. Of what it would have looked like in the beginning before it was slowly corroded by time and disrepair. Before Ulya had slowly dipped the place in poison.

The clothes that were left for him were objectively boys clothes and warmer than what he was wearing, but he couldn't touch them. Not when white and red bows and frills kept flashing behind his eyelids.

He left the room shaking slightly and hoping this wasn't going to be his end. He had promised himself he would never let her beat him, and this felt too close. Too close to her decay.

 

* * *

 

The hallway was lined with portraits and small tables covered in expensive looking trinkets, Batman was obviously rich, at this point it was getting ridiculous. 

One of the rooms seemed to have a faint glow coming from below the door, Jason carefully opened it to see a study lit warmly by a crackling fire. 

Someone was sitting in a high backed chair in front of the fireplace. Jason was afraid to go further.

"Hello, Jason." The Bat said, turning in the chair he gave Jason a warm smile. 

Jason tentatively stepped into the room to stand near the chair. From there he could see that Batman had a book in his lap.

"Sorry to interrupt." Jason said.

"Ah, it's no bother," Batman said, "it's quite a boring read to be honest."

"Hmm," Jason said looking around some more. He was able to see now that he was closer that there was a painting above the mantel. Lit only slightly by the light of the fire, but just enough to make out the faces portrayed on it.

"Aren't those the late Waynes?" Jason asked. He had seen those same faces time and again. There was a small photograph of them hanging in the entrance of his childhood church. They helped found the church and helped fund it, the sisters often sent prayers to them for all they had done for them before their tragic deaths. 

"Yes, my parents," Batman said.

Jason stared at the man who was now looking at the painting, his bright blue eyes and pale skin washed in the fires glow. 

"You're Bruce Wayne." Jason whispered.

"That I am, and you are Jason Todd." Bruce said with another smile. "Now that we are more properly acquainted would you like to go find some breakfast."

Jason wanted to run. That's all he wanted in that moment. This man was probably the richest person in all of Gotham and he knew Jason's name and had him in his house. Everything about that scared Jason shitless, but food sounded so good. He had been starving for too long. And he just wanted to eat, he just wanted to eat something he didn't have to work days for.

"Okay," Jason said. "I need to get my stuff, though." If he was going to be stuck there for who knows how long, he needed to make sure no one took his few possessions that he had left at his last sleeping place. He had left his jacket there, the one he had finally started to grow into even just a little. 

And if Wayne brought him back downtown he had a better chance of possible escape.

"We'll go after you eat. You're really far too skinny." Bruce said.

"Maybe not everyone needs to be six foot and ripped like you," Jason replied, his cocky drawl returned slightly, his bravado hiding his fear again. "I get body issues just standing next to you, don't add onto it."

This time Jason was sure he didn't dream Bruce's chuckle.

 

* * *

 

The meal had been more food than Jason had seen laid out all at once before. Jason had cleaned his plate and then cleaned it again. There was no way he was going to waste a speck of food. He knew what all of that meant. He knew how important every last crumb was.

The man in the suit, Alfred he thinks, looked at him odd when he came to collect the empty dishes. It made Jason's skin crawl until the man spoke.

"You should really pace yourself eating so much, young sir, we wouldn't want you getting sick."

It was odd, when he spoke it didn't carry the odd weight most adult's voices did. When others said similar things to Jason it always implied that the bad thing was the sick itself. The trouble it would cause to clean, but that's not what Alfred's words felt like. They were caring, almost like it came from a place of genuine concern for his well being. Like his mother used to sound. He didn't know why this stranger would care like that.

Bruce brought him to his hideout under the bridge once he was done eating. This time in a fancy as fuck car instead of the Batmobile and instead of the suit wearing a polo shirt and jeans, Jason was frankly disgusted.

Jason had been squatting under Mercy Bridge for about a week before being caught. His backpack hidden between a couple of the brick support beams.

He quickly rummaged in his bag, making sure everything was still there, glad no one had taken any of his cigs, and then taking out his coat. He put it on, burying himself into it and taking a deep breath. The jacket had almost become a safety blanket at this point, but Jay didn't care. He would allow himself some small good things in his life or this harsh world might finally break him. 

Jason shouldered the pack and returned to where Bruce was waiting by the car. As he got closer he looked towards the road that sat to his right. He could make it, run for it, never go back to that house that was just too close to his memories. Bruce and Alfred had only showed him kindness so far, but Jason didn't know if that was a trick. If it could ever possibly last.

"You can run if you want to, Jason." Bruce said as Jason got closer. His eyes were soft, sad, and knowing. "But If you want to stay with us, I will try to find your family. And I promise you we'll keep you safe until then."

If there was something you learned in Crime Alley it was to not trust big money. And Bruce Wayne was some of the biggest, oldest money in Gotham. Batman or not, there was a weight to that privilege and it scared Jason enough that he knew it was a mistake, to put any trust in this man. But he felt himself doing it anyway. 

And he wanted to see his family again. His tío, someone who would finally truly understand.

Jason had always followed his gut on things. It's what had kept him alive this long. And his gut was screaming yes even when the rest of him was sobbing no.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay?"

"I'll go." Jason said, clutching his bag strap so hard his knuckles went white. "I'll go with you."

"Alright, then." And Bruce smiled, his usually sharp eyes softening with it. This smile wasn't like the one in the papers or on tv, and not like the half there ones Bruce had shown Jay earlier. This was something far more genuine and secret. The smile of a father, maybe, Jay wouldn't really know much about that.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Jason woke as the sun had barely crested, much earlier than he had before. He didn't know what had woken him, possibly a noise from the grounds. 

He decided to attempt to use the shower this time, now he actually had some of his own clothes to change into. 

The water was heavenly, he hadn't gotten a good wash in weeks. He usually was able to spend a night in a home and get a wash there by pretending to be the child of one of the few adult squatters he trusted, but most people had moved to warmer locations then the bridge recently and he had been too busy hunting tires to find out where they were now.

He always hated undressing. Felt so completely exposed. So he made sure to get out quick, even though the water made him want to drift listlessly for hours in it's warmth.

When he opened the door to his room again, a towel wrapped around him, the suited man was in his room.

Jason gripped the door holding it in front of him and peeking his head out.

Alfred turned around quickly, there were clothes in his hands that he had obviously been about to place on the bed.

"Hello, master Jason, I hope the shower was to your liking. I have some clothes for you, although you did not seem to like the ones I left yesterday. I made sure to find ones a bit closer to the ones you wear."

"The clothes, the clothes were fine." Jason said gripping the door even harder. "Can you- can you... not put them on the bed?" He asked quietly. 

The man looked mildly surprised at the request, but quickly hid the reaction behind his usual bland, polite exterior. "Why of course, sir, I'll make sure to leave them on your side table here if that is better."

"Yes... thank you." Jason said, and he probably gave too much away, in the heaviness he put into those two words. This strange man, with his strange suits, and his strange... caring, shouldn't know just how much this small act meant to Jay.

The man looked at him after placing the clothes on the table, a deeper kindness than Jason had known in a long time in his eyes. "Whatever you need, sir, I'm here to help. Breakfast will be ready in a little under an hour."

"Okay," Jason said.

Once the strange man had left Jason went to the clothes he had left for him. They were in fact much closer to the clothes he usually wore than the ones that were left yesterday. The others had been gaudy, covered in weird graphics and honestly tacky colors. These were nice earth tones, plain and soft looking. Jason took a second to ground himself, and the fear, the overpowering fear wasn't there like it was the day before. They weren't like the dress, they were there, for him, and not to make him something he wasn't. If anything to allow himself to be more comfortable as himself. Jay quickly rubbed at his eyes that had started to traitorously sting. He wasn't going to cry over some stupid clothes. 

He dressed in the clothes, which were softer and warmer than anything in his pack and went to see if he could find his way to the kitchen again.

He only got lost twice.

 

* * *

 

Bruce was apparently working late the night before and was sleeping in and not at breakfast. Jason decided not to ask Alfred if that was code for working as Batman or his work at Wayne Enterprises.

After eating he wandered the mansion until he came back to the study he had spoken to Bruce in before. He scanned the books lining the walls telling himself he wouldn't touch any of them, he didn't want to get in trouble touching anything he shouldn't. That idea didn't last long when he saw the collection of Jane Austen novels. Jason quickly grasped Sense and Sensibility, he had always wanted to see how the english version differed from the Spanish copy his madre loved so much.

He dived into it, one chapter leading to two, leading to ten. When suddenly a voice came from above him.

"Jay?" 

Jason looked up from where he was lost in the every day life of Elinor Dashwood, to see Bruce looking down on him. "Yes?"

"I have.. news on your family."

"Already?" Jason asked, the Bat worked faster than he was expecting.

Bruce sat on the chair across from Jason, "Your grandmother, she has developed dementia recently. She is living in a home close to the last known address you gave me. She seems happy, but she wouldn't be viable to take care of you."

"What about my tío?"

"I'm sorry, Jason. I couldn't find anything on him. He may have left the country. Your grandmother was placed into the home by neighbors. They said they didn't see any of his things in the house when they found her there alone and confused."

"Oh."

"I'll keep looking, lad."

Jason knew he shouldn't have hoped. He shouldn't have hoped that he could have a family again. Now Bruce was going to send him back into the system, he knew it. And he didn't think he could handle it a second time. Jason stood from his seat letting the book fall to the floor.

"You assumed I was a girl didn't you, when we first met?" Jay asked, hands shaking. "That's what most people assume, that's what the doctors assumed. But you know that already don't you."

"I do." He answered. Of course he knew. Worlds greatest detective and all that.

"So you know why you can't put me back there." Jay said, voice cracking. "The system isn't kind. To people like me."

"I'll make sure you're safe, Jason." Bruce said, sharp eyes melting again. "You trust me remember."

"I trust you, but I don't know why." Jason said. "My life so far would tell me it's a dumb idea. But I trust you anyway..." he decided he didn't want to talk about this anymore and turned to leave. Before he left the room he turned back to whisper. "Please, I don't want to regret it Bruce."

He didn't know if he hoped Bruce had heard him or if hoped he hadn't.

 

* * *

 

 He dreamt of drowning that night. A tight grip held his leg and pulled him down, down, down. Through miles of dark liquid. Until there was nothing but inky blackness surrounding him on all sides.

Suddenly from the dark a soft pink dress flowed and swelled alongside curly tendrils of chestnut hair. There was two eyes, staring at him. Dark and empty as the water he gasped in. It was Shaylee, dead. But she spoke all the same.

_**'It's all your fault-'** _

Jason woke up gasping. Sweat soaking through his shirt making him feel like he had been submerged in water.

He scrambled out of his blankets which had tangled up around his legs. He needed to be away, away from the memories away from this house. Away.

 

* * *

 

He knew he wasn't meant to be in the cave, but he liked it. Had made sure even in his half awake state to remember the way in when he had arrived two days ago. The cool damp air and the quiet squeaks of the bats were oddly soothing. No where else in his past life had a memory like it. And it allowed him to let go of the dark fear of his dream.

He sat in the chair in front of the bat computer drowning in his coat, the soft leather of the chair reminding him of the first day he met Bruce. He didn't hear the person come up behind him as he hummed. An old tune, one his madre had loved. Something to sooth him as he listened to it echo off the rock walls. 

It was a girl who grabbed his chair swinging it to face her. Faster than Jason could blink a masked face was in front of his. He panicked, breath leaving him all at once.

"Who are you?" She asked. 

He knew her, had seen her purple and yellow costumed figure in the papers.

He knew she was no danger, but there was something about the fire of her hair, that jogged a memory and all he could think of is glass, cold, dead, eyes while his heart beat out of control. 

He was plunged back underwater, he was drowning again.

_**'It's all your fault, Janine.'** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me so long I'm so sorry omg,,,,, I'll try to get more time for my writing so I can get these out more quickly jeeze
> 
> Anyway I'm glad everyone seems to be enjoying the story so far, this is basically my first fic ever (I had done two drabbles before this and that's it) and I was really nervous about sharing my writing at all, but there's been nothing but great support from all of you so THANKS honestly bless thnk u so much ;u;
> 
> I also did some art for this fic (and I'll probably do more later knowing me lmao).  
> So I'll be uploading any arts I do for this fic right here on my art tumblr if any of you are interested ^^ : http://kalreyno.tumblr.com/tagged/boys_aren't_meant_to_cry


	5. When You're Not Okay

He was gasping and everything about him was wrong, his skin, his hands, his face. He was all just wrong, wrong, wrong.

 ** _JANINE, JANINE, JANIN_ _E_ _,_** echoed in his head.

He couldn't breath, there were hands in his hair holding him down he could feel them, he had to get out, get them off so he could breathe again. He started tearing and clawing at his head.

When another hand reached from the darkness to grasp him he flailed fighting it off.

"No..... no..... no" he murmured between gasping breaths. He wondered how he could speak through all the murky black water filling his lungs.

There was some odd noise coming from above his head. Mumbles flowing through the waters surface. It sounded like someone was yelling.

"Bru- I don't know- when I got here- not breathing-". A girls voice called. Jay thought it must be his madre. She must be talking about him. He must be going to her soon. Ulya must have finally decided to get rid of him.

"Jay-lad." Another voice said. It was Bruce, I wonder how he died Jason thought. Because if Bruce was here he must be dead like him.

"... Bru- ?..." Jason said, he wanted to see him, to ask why he was here, to know what happened, but everything was still just pure black.

"Jaso- I need you to - can you open your eyes-can you do that for me Jay?" Bruce said.

His eyes were closed? Jason tried to open them and the world came spinning into place, too fast, too much. Colours and shapes and information he couldn't process, Jason quickly squeezed his eyes shut again pulling in another ragged breath.

"M' not.... dead..." he mumbled out between breaths.

"No, no Jay of course not." Bruce's voice came again gruff, but not unkind. And this time it felt closer, Jason didn't feel like he was hearing him through miles of ocean, but instead as if he was just under the water while Bruce sat on the shore beside him.

"Want to be... sometimes... sometimes wish..... she had done it...." Jason gasped out. He could feel wet on his cheeks, waves he thought. He must be getter closer to the shore, closer to Bruce now.

"No, No, please just look at me Jason." Bruce said voice warm and so close.

Jason peeled his eyelids open, slowly this time, and saw the cave around him. He was sitting in the chair in front of the bat computer and kneeling in front of him was Bruce. He was in the batsuit with the cowl off, his deep blue eyes only on Jason.

"Hey Jace, welcome back." He said quietly. "You with me, champ?"

Jason just kept staring, trying to get his breaths to stop wheezing out of him. He could still barely feel his body, it felt weightless, like he was floating in the water of his dream. Even though his sight was telling him different.

"Jason, can I hold your hand?" Bruce asked.

"What-..... why?" Jason asked. So fucking afraid. 

"Let me show you, you trust me Jay, remember that? You told me you trust me." 

"Ye-... yeah." 

Bruce's hand came to grasp his, but it wasn't a tight grip. It wasn't trying to grab him. It was nice and loose, easily breakable. 

Slowly he brought Jason's hand to his chest right next to the bat symbol on his suit.

"I want you to feel my heartbeat there Jay, just feel that, okay." Bruce said.

"O-okay." Jason said.

"I want you to try to match my breathing, nice and slow." Bruce went on.

Jason tried to do what Bruce said, but he just-

"I can't," Jason said and he realized the water on his face were tears. He wasn't meant to cry, Bruce would think he wasn't a real boy, and that made them fall even harder. "I - I ... cAN't."

"Come on Jason, the greatest tire thief in all of Gotham. I know you can do it," Bruce said. "I believe in you, come on little man, you can do it."

And with those words Jason felt his body start to unclench slightly, because with those words Jason heard the words of his madre. Mi hombrecito , her little man. 

Jason slowly started to match Bruce's rising and falling chest. Gulps of air turned into slow easy breaths. 

"Is it okay if I hug you, Jason?" Bruce asked. 

Jason didn't answer he just came and climbed into Bruce's arms. They quickly wrapped around him, cradling him against Batman's chest. His head against his heart he was fully lulled into Bruce's calming embrace.

"Thank you," he mumbled.

"Thank you, Jason." Bruce replied. Jason didn't know what for, he was sure Wayne would tell him someday. Those two words where all Jason felt he was able to say right now.

 

* * *

 

He felt like utter shit. 

Bruce had brought him upstairs, carried him swaddled against his chest into the den he usually read in.

"I'll be right back, champ," Bruce said. 

Jason tried not to shake while he was gone, crossing his arms tightly around himself and curling inwards. Trying to hold it all together.

He was falling apart here. He could blame it on the fact that this place was soft and that it was warm and it was a good enough place to fall, but he knew the real reason. The real reason was that he trusted these people, these strangers, to catch him.

And he really was naive wasn't he. He really hadn't learned anything, from the people he had lost or the days he had battled through.

He hadn't changed a bit.

He didn't know if that was a good thing or not. 

 

Bruce came back shortly now in a t-shirt and sweats instead of his vigilante uniform. In his arms was a large comforter.

He came back to the large window seat he had left Jay on and sat on the other end of it, draping the blanket over both of their laps. 

"We'll get cozy here and relax a bit. Alfred's bringing some tea." Bruce said.

"The girl- Batgirl," Jason said, clutching the blanket and bringing it up to his chin as he curled into his knees. "I didn't mean to- to freak out on her, like that."

Bruce looked at him silently for a moment than his gaze moved to the window. It was still late, night covered the grounds.

"She and I, and even my son Dick have all had our fair share of panic attacks, Jay." He looked back at Jason. "She wouldn't want any apology from you, just to know that you're okay."

"I'm not sure if I am." Jason said quietly. 

"And that's okay too," Bruce said, a pained look on his face. "It's hard to allow ourselves sometimes. To not be okay."

"Yeah," Jason said softly. "It is."

Alfred came with the tea shortly after and they sat in comfortable silence before Bruce picked up Sense and Sensibility where he had left it on the coffee table and began to read it aloud.

It was warm in a way Jason hadn't felt in a long time. And so far from the cold of his nightmare it's as if it could never reach him.

"Master Bruce, Alfred said from the door about an hour later. "I'm sorry to interrupt, it's the bat signal again." 

Bruce placed a bookmark between the novel's pages and looked back at Jason, assessing.

"I'm fine, B." Jason said, and he was, curled up on the other end of the window seat he was close to falling asleep. "Go save the world or whatever."

"I'll deal with the world later, for now I'll stick with my city." Bruce said as he stood up.

He came over to Jason after placing the book away, leaving a kiss on his forehead and ruffling his hair before he exited the room.

"Bye, Bruce."

"Are you hungry, master Jason?" Alfred asked. 

"No, Alfred, I think I'm going to go back to bed now."

"Alright then, do rest well." Alfred said with a small smile, taking the left over tea cups with him. 

"Goodnight Alfie."

"Goodnight, master Jason."

 

* * *

 

Jason woke late the next day, midday sunlight streaming through his bedroom curtains.

He felt restless. He'd spent too many days cooped up in the house.

He ate breakfast with Alfred, toast and tea. Alfred looked at him kindly, yet a little exasperatedly as he twitched in his seat. He couldn't seem to get his leg to stop bouncing.

Once finished and after helping Alfred wash and dry. He went to go try to find something to do, he found Bruce in one of the many studies. This one seemed like it might be Bruce's personal office. Bruce was lost in thought staring at a photograph on his desk. 

"We missed you at breakfast. What you doing?" Jason asked, coming up behind him.

"Oh, just thinking," Bruce said. Jason peered at the photograph, it was of Bruce and a young boy. The kid had raven black hair and bright blue eyes. His skin was a rich olive brown, and one of the only signs of his and Bruce's lack of shared blood. Which was easiest to see where his small palm held onto one of Bruce's pale hands. The two of them were at an amusement park of some sort, the kid was laughing, smile as big as his face. Bruce was looking at him the way Jason had seen only once before, when he had told Bruce he would go with him. It really had been a fatherly smile.

"That's Dick Grayson." Jason said, for there was no doubt.

"Yes." Bruce said. A hint of something in his voice, an edge. Like bitterness.

"You can always call him you know, sir." Alfred said from where he suddenly stood in the study doorway. "If all those years of concussions from your night job has made you forget how to use a phone I will gladly dial it for you."

"It's fine, Alfred, I will soon."

"I wish you would let him know, sir." Alfred continued. "Sooner, rather than later."

"Yes, Alfred." Bruce said shortly. Jason thought it better not to ask what that was about as Alfred left in a huff.

"I'm going outside," Jason said, knowing he needed to get out or he would just get more agitated. 

"Stay safe," Bruce mumbled as he left the room.

He went to find his sneakers. They were scuffed and dirty, sitting next to Alfred and Bruce's shining loafers in the pristine hallway. They were out of place, just like him.

He shucked them on, being careful not to get dirt on the shining floors as he grabbed his jacket from off the coat rack. It was the same one from his childhood, the one that had belonged to Willis. It was still much to large, even after all these years, Jason still needed to fold and bunch up the arms of it to get it to fit. 

Jason wandered the forest that bridged the long lawn at the back of the mansion. He hadn't spent much time in nature, but growing up in the concrete jungle of Gotham the trees gave him an idea. Finding one of the sturdy and tall ones that wasn't so far into the sea of trees that he would lose sight of the manor he began to scale the spruce.

He climbed until the ground looked like it was swaying slightly beneath him and he could feel a gentle breeze shift through his hair. The mansion and grounds were truly beautiful from this high up. He shook out a cig from the packet he kept in the secret pocket inside the lining of his coat, lighting up. Relaxing into his perch he let himself drift.

He didn't go back in until he heard Alfred call his name for lunch, feeling much more stable than he had upon waking up. 

After eating lunch with Bruce, who seemed to still be in a mood since earlier, Jason spent a couple hours in the study reading uninterrupted before there was a knock on the door.

Batgirl was there. Or at least he assumed it was her, the hair was the right shade of red. She was out of costume now, wearing a Gotham High hoodie and frayed jeans, her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She looked normal, or at least more of an average(not rich as balls) person than Bruce did.

"Hey, we kinda met yesterday, I'm Barbara. I um- I wanted to apologize for scaring you before." She said, "Bruce, explained how you're staying here with him?"

Right. It was temporary. All of this was temporary, he had almost forgotten that.

Jason schooled his face into something that didn't betray his feelings on that. "You're Batgirl right?"

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone, about any of that." She said.

"Who the fuck you think I'm going to tell, Barbie?" Jason asked. 

She mouthed the word Barbie as if stumped than seemed to shake it off. "I think you know how valuable this information could be." She said eyes grabbing his and staring him down.

"I may be a thief, but I ain't no snitch." Jason said.

Barbara just sighed. "Well, Bruce seems to trust you. So I guess I'll just have to believe he's right about you."

"Right about me?"

"He thinks you're a good, kid." She said with a smile that moved into something more serious. "That you've been hurt, but you're really strong. That he just wants to make sure you don't have to be so strong anymore."

"Oh," Jason said. Not really knowing what to say or how to feel. They stewed in silence for a minute as he tried to grasp what any of that meant.

"Alfred said dinner would be ready soon, but Bruce is out on Wayne Enterprise business. Is it okay if I join you in his place?" Batgirl asked.

"Uh, yeah I guess," Jason said. "If- if Alfred's okay with it."

"Great!" She said. "He's making Upside-Down Shepherd's Pie, I'm excited."

And damn, Jason was excited too.

 

* * *

 

 

The food was delicious as always. And as it turns out Barbara was terrific company.

She told Jay the story of how she first met Batman, about cases that had been very interesting, and ones that had been really funny. Alfred sat with them too, eating carefully and delicately and laughing along politely. 

Jason almost sprayed juice all over the place when she told him of the time Batman fell headfirst into a dumpster and ended up with a banana peel shoved through his eye mask. Barbara's smile was warm when he laughed, as was the small one on Alfred's face. The whole dinner was very warm. And Jason felt empty for a minute when he was reminded his stay would be over soon.

They had been sitting at the table still chatting, Jason had gotten around to telling a story about his old friend Tabitha and how she could squirt milk out her eyes(which Batgirl was equally impressed and disgusted by) when Alfred left to answer the phone. He returned quickly.

"Mistress, Barbara." Alfred said, "Your father is on the phone for you."

"Oh, thank you, Alfred," she said taking it from him.

They talked shortly before Barbara hung up and told them she had to be going.

"I'll try and visit again soon," Barbara said, "This was fun. It's nice having someone younger around here again."

"Thanks for the stories," Jason said.

Barbara smiled delightfully at him.

"We're outmatched." She said, "I told you way more than you did me. You owe me at least six stories, kid."

Jason couldn't help but laugh, Batgirl's grin was infectious, "You got it, Barbie."

 

* * *

 

Jason spent his time after Barbara left counting the number of ugly paintings of random trees (that weren't even as pretty as the ones on the grounds) they had hanging up around the manor. Even with something so specific he had already counted 32. Rich people were wild.

He ran into Bruce on the stairway where had found the 33rd, which was a willow tree in some of the grossest browns Jason had ever seen.

"Hey Jay-lad, I was looking for you."

"You were?" Jason asked.

"I got you something," Bruce said, there was a shoe box in his hands. 

"Oh," Jason said, he immediately felt guilt and shame war in his stomach. "You didn't have to, Bruce. You already let me stay here and everything."

Bruce held the box in front of him, prompting Jason to open it. Jason did so warily. Inside was a pair of red sneakers. The clean white of the toe and laces were unlike any shoes he had ever had. Jason wondered if Alfred had seen him eyeing his shoes this morning. Or if like him, they had realized that his shoes were out of place. And next they would just have to get rid of him, to get their house back in order. 

"Let's go for a walk." Bruce suggested. "You can break them in and it's nice walking the grounds at this time."

"Okay," Jason said, not looking Bruce in the eye, embarrassed by his own anxiety ridden thoughts.

Bruce was right about it being a nice time for a walk. They followed the path that circled the manors perimeter, shoes crunching on gravel the only sound. The air was warm from the sun just recently set and a slight breeze followed them as they silently strolled.

"I'm going to set you up at school." Bruce said, breaking the quiet. "If that's alright with you. When was the last time you were in school?"

"Two years ago," Jason said staring at his feet as he walked. His shoelace was bouncing on his sneaker as he went. Crisp white on red.

"Gotham Academy is a good school, Dick went there as well as Barbara. I think you'll enjoy it."

"What's the point, Bruce?" Jason asked, stopping in his tracks he stared at Bruce, anger lit in his eyes. "What's the point of any of this? If you're just going to get rid of me?"

"I'm not getting rid of you, Jay."

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not."

**"Yes. You. Are."**

"No, I'm not. I'm going to adopt you."

"You-!- you- you -" Jason stammered anger draining from him in a second. Not wishing to hope, or to dream that he had heard that right.

"Deep breathes, Jay. And yes, I want to adopt you. If that's what you want." Bruce said, with his fatherly smile, and what looked like tears in his eyes.

"I- yes- yes." Jason said as he bit back tears of his own and a smile filled his face. "Thank you."

Bruce bundled him in a hug, hands shaking slightly were they grasped him, "Thank you, Jason."

And Jason felt like he was starting to understand it. Why Bruce kept thanking him.

He understood that Bruce was falling apart just as much as he was.

And that they were catching each other, taking care of each other, making it easier to be not okay.

Like Jay and his mom had.

Like a family does. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long and I always take forever to answer comments!! I'll try and figure out an update schedule once my school settles down if I can, but no promises :0
> 
> Anyway, thanks everyone for reading, I hope you're enjoying it ^^


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